Horribly Great Pick Up Lines

This is a new segment I've decided to share with the world. My dear friend A and I have this thing we do- see who can come up with the most horrendous, disgustingly beautiful Pick Up Lines. This isn't so much as a One Up scenario as, the material just comes to us. It is to good not too share. He and I are naturally disturbed yet perfectly functioning people. This is how we bond and keep the friendship alive. This man has seen a head trying to escape my lady cave and despite this having scarred him for life, he still calls me friend. Good times. I will post new Horribly Great Pick Up Lines periodically.

WARNING: Only like minded people should continue to read as the material is VERY OFFENSIVE. I repeat in order to survive these Pick Up Lines, you should have a dark, sick and twisted sense of humor. It's true in that some things you just can't un-see. Once you have read any of these, they become permanently etched into your retinas. There, you have been warned. Now on to the Art Form that is Horribly Great Pick Up Lines....

1. "Baby, may I borrow your man stump to plug the leak of cooter drool your presence has invoked?" By ME. Amen.
Currently listening to: I feel it All by Feist

2. "You’re an idiot, I have the cure: I’m going to fuck the idiot out of you. Gent’s choice, ladies' or men’s room, you dirty cunt of a man?" By ME. Amen.
Currently listenting to: Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches

3. "My meat curtains are in need of a rod." By ME. Amen.
Currently listening to: I'm Sleeping In A Submarine by Arcade Fire

4. "I have an innie (Lady cave). You have an outie (Man stump). Wanna fuck?" By ME. Amen.
Currently listening to: Twilight by Elliott Smith

5. "You're so hot I'd cut your goddamn head off." By A. Amen. POSTED 1/23/11
Currently listening to : Clowns (Took My Baby Away) by The Fresh & Onlys

6. "Do you smoke? I do after sex cause of the friction." By A. Amen. POSTED 1/23/11
Currently listening to: Pipedown by Babyshambles

7. "Ever seen a gal cum in chunks? Want to?" By ME. Amen. POSTED 1/23/11
Currently listening to: The Night by DNR

8. "I want to pole dance you so hard. By pole I mean your dick. By dance I mean fuck." By ME. Amen. POSTED 1/23/11
Currently listening to: The Loneliness And The Scream by Frightened Rabbit

9. "Do you like vinegar on your fish & chips? Yes?! Then you're going to love my squeaky clean pickled pink taco!" By ME. Amen POSTED 1/26/11 Currently listening to: Loud Pipes by Ratatat

10. "My octopussy is running low. Wanna give me a refill with your Man Ink?" Amen. POSTED 1/29/11
Currently listening to: Freak Out by Liars.

11. "You look like you could make me cum so hard I put Old Faithful out of business." By ME. Amen POSTED 2/1/11
Currently listening to: Kisses Over Babylon by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

12. "I want to play air guitar with your naked body using your penis as the whammy." By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/2/11
Currently listening to: Faded From the Winter by Iron & Wine

13. "Been a while since my vag had company. You can dust her off, give her a nice spit shine & close the deal by buffing her to her old pink self with your flavor saver." by ME. Amen. POSTED 2/2/11 Currently listening to: All I Want Is You by Tristan Prettyman.

14. "Hey porn stache, mind if my twat nipple jumps on that tickler?" By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/1/11 Currently listening to: Graveyard Girl by M83.

15. "I am an elevator, if you push my button I'll go down." By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/7/11 Currently listening to: High Low by Michael Franti & Spearhead

16. "You ever been sucked dry?" By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/7/11 Currently listening to: Zebra by John Butler Trio

17. "Did you hear that? You just made my crotch drip." By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/7/11 Currently listening to: Give It To You by G. Love.

18. "I would like to place an order for a tossed salad with a side of your Man Ranch." By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/7/11 Currently listening to: Kiss With A Fist By Florence + The Machine

19. From Man to Little Person: "Hi, I'm Charlie. I have some self tanner we can put all over you back at my place then you can visit my Chocolate Factory." By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/14/11 Currently listening to: Happy Valentine's Day by Outkast

20. From Woman to Little Person: "Want to go spelunking?" By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/14/11. Currently listening to: Citizen by Broken Bells

21. Man to Little Woman: "Wanna play helicopter?" By ME. Amen. POSTED 2/14/11. Currently listening to: Karma Police by Radiohead.

22. "Twinkies are gross. Bet you're sweeter and easier to suck the cream filling out of." By ME. Amen. POSTED 4/6/11. Currently listening to: Up From Below by Edward Sharp and The Magnetic Zeros.

Birthday Wishes

My daughter wanted a cake where Edward and Bella did not live happily ever after. I made this for her and she LOVED it.

Engaged In A Dream

Dreams. It’s funny how the subconscious takes over to help you out in both the dream world and the conscious one. Have you ever loathed your life so much, wait backtrack, not loathed your life, loathed where you are in life, that you honestly have no clue how to better it? You feel you have exhausted the few options you had? Then you have to turn around and tell yourself, stop it, followed by the old cliché that there are people out there worse off then you? That’s pretty much where I am. This dream woke me up, consciously as well as subconsciously. Anyone that knows me will tell you that this is not the first time my subconscious has taken over to bring back the artist in me. Enough chitchat, let us get to the meat of the story then dissection will promptly follow.

I am awoken by his kiss. I open my sleepy eyes and find him inches from my face smiling at me. I smile back, enjoying the warmth of his embrace. It is the little things that I love and this is one of those little things. He kisses the tip of my nose and that small gesture speaks volumes of his love for me. Shelby and I have known one another since high school; both lived other lives of marriage and kids and somehow ended up here together a perfect match. I half close my eyes and notice him pull something from under the covers.

He kisses my ear and looks into my half closed eyes and asks: “Will you marry me?” A flood of wonderful emotions, some of which I have never felt, fall over me creating this feeling I can only describe as a blanket feeling, warm and comforting. The best I have felt in a very long time as I watch him open the little navy blue velvet box.

I look back into his hazel eyes, smile a sleepy content smile and say:

“Yes.” He tightens his arms about me and we kiss; a disgusting morning breath soaked, fuzzy teeth covered kiss, and I love it. He somehow slips the ring on my finger as I continue to gaze at him. I am in awe at how much he loves me and I him. I cannot wait to call Carrie and let her know our news.

I blink and find myself in some overpriced store with a girlfriend, who is attempting to talk me into registering our wedding. I am very uncomfortable in here. I listen as she goes on and on about all the expensive bowls and such crap and I focus on a set a dishes that my eyes land on. They are the exact set my Ex Mother-In-Law owns. I find myself asking: “Is this somehow significant?”

I conclude it is not when my friend interrupts my thoughts.

“Hello! Are you even paying attention to me?”

“Yes, sorry what did you say?”

“I was saying how great this would look on my wall. I have a birthday coming up, hint-hint.” I look at her, the item she is pointing at, then all the insignificant material items surrounding she and I. I begin to feel closed in. Shelby and I already have enough things to fill a house. All we need is each other and the kids. The kids, his and mine; this brings another smile to my face.

“ OMG Alicia, you HAVE to have this!” She turns to me with some item that I have no idea what it could be.

I look down at the very unusual ring on my finger and state: “ Actually, Shelby and I already have everything we need. I think I would prefer if anyone that wants to get us a gift give to a charity of their choice.” I am VERY pleased that this thought has occurred to me and believe Shelby will agree wholeheartedly.

My friend follows my gaze to the ring. She non-to gently grabs my hand to have a closer inspection of my ring.

“What is this anyway? It’s kind of ugly, but of course you pull it off beautifully.”

I retrieve my hand and wonder why she and I are friends as I reply: “It’s hand blown glass that wraps around to perfectly fit my finger with some beautiful stone set inside.”

A feeling of perfect contentment that my life is finally on the right path pours over and through me along with countless other emotions seemingly giving me my own personal Kinetic energy that I want to share with everyone, including my negative friend. As I turn to tell her this, my violently vibrating phone rips me from my dream.

Dissection time! This dream is odd and beautiful all the way around, from what it is about and who is in it, to my thoughts and actions. Shelby was a very dear friend of mine many moons ago. He, Carrie, and I were inseparable for a time in the latter part of the Nineties. Then, he met someone, fell in love, married, and drifted from Carrie and I. That’s life, it happens. He is happily married with three children. I find it odd, yet strangely comforting that my subconscious chose him for the lead here. Carrie is real. She is, has been, and will continue to be my best friend. We are exact opposites in almost every way yet somehow it works. We balance each other, Yen and Yang. The subconscious has ways of bringing to light situations that I didn’t know bothered me. Case in point, though I have been married, I have never been proposed to. I didn’t know that I longed for that missing event. Longed to know what it felt like to have someone love you enough to muster up the courage to ask you to be with him or her forever. The fact that I had never, and most likely will never experience this was brought to my attention via a dream. My subconscious once again has come to my rescue.

As I stated before this is not the first time my subconscious has saved me from myself. It is no surprise that it (subconscious) allowed me to experience something I didn’t know I wanted. I love that in the dream the love was pure and untainted. I love that I am a good person and not materialistic and this dream helped to bring me back to that realization. I know nor care nothing about the value of cars. I care what they do to the environment and if I can get from point A to point B without breaking down; In the car that is- not me, myself, having a breakdown. Oh shit, did I just have a break through? Nah- just a brain fart. Yes I want a comfortable home, but not to spend all my time buying to make it so. I am a sentimental type gal. Focus on the Mental! I jest, sort of. As I was saying, the ring is so exactly something I would want, something personal, out of the norm and thoughtful. Better than diamonds any day! The negative friend was someone made up by my subconscious. I do not know this person. I like how I handle her though, and then the idea to give to a charity instead of buying us something; well I think that is what I liked best about myself. The glass ring, a little Cinderella of me maybe.

I believe there is nothing wrong with the hopeful romantic taking back control over the cynic. I hope this is so. In the end, all I know is that I am writing again. Though this may be complete and total shit, it has me writing again! Writer’s block gone for the moment and I feel great! Wait can you get writer’s block if you never wrote on a consistent basis? Does this make you not a writer? Fuck it, art is what you make of it and today I claim the title of Writer. Deal with it and try to spread some positive energy today. We live in a World where people empathize more with the negatives in life, let’s change that. Please for the sake of all our conscious and subconscious minds!

Amen.

Currently listening to: Mushaboom by Feist

Paper Thin

I have hurt a beautiful soul

I wonder what it's like to be a beautiful soul;

For I am a beast of burden

Hiding my emotions within this origami heart

Fragile paper that easily rips - I beg you

Stay folded!

Maybe in time I will unfold

Not a clean sheet, the same- with the old creases

Barely visible

I will open showing the available space for many new folds

Or maybe my origami heart will rip at all the old creases

And I will fall

In pieces

To the ground

Maybe I'll just leave them where they lie

Amen

~me

Currently listening to: Birds Without Wings by David Gray

And if not now, when?

Today. Today I will overcome. I will forget that I was fired from my last craptastic job for bunk reasons. I will forget that I have been unemployed for the last ten months. I will forget that I lost my unemployment case to the employer on a technicality.

That is all in the past. Today I will go out there and find SOMETHING, ANYTHING as my income source. Today I will not physic myself out. I will not feel sorry for myself nor wallow in self loathing.

I shall save that for tomorrow.

I have a plan. That is the first step.

The Plan: Find a part time job and go to school full time. Finally finish my BA, and fit time in with the kiddos. Damn the Catch 22! Amen.

~me

Currently listening to: How Soon is Now? by The Smiths

Oops. I have been very neglectful of my blog. Apologies blog.

Boys and Girls today's Rant: Whoa is Me.

I moved to Austin March 20, 2006. My birthday. This was the second attempt to take up residency in the Texas State Capital. This one stuck.

I relocated to Awesome Austin to pursue my dreams of going back to school and learning the art of becoming a DP. I went to school for a year and still have found no DP to apprentice under. I shall not give up though.

When I moved here in 2006 I was married with two kids. Now, the hubby and I have split (we work much better in the friend realm than the spousal one) and the kiddos reside with me.

Everyone tells you to follow your heart and chase after your dreams. I have no choice for I am not meant to live a normal life. I hate this about myself. I have tried over the years to be the happy wife and mother that has the house and dogs. I found that I am only so domestic. I am more of a free spirit minus the free love. I am very closed off when it comes to the opposite sex. I believe this is why so many of my friends love to tell everyone my sexual preference leans toward my same sex. People may believe what they want, I care not.

Enough of this me rant, on to the crushing of my dreams today!! Amen.

~Your friendly closeted lesbian

Currently listening to: Stephin Merritt's One April Day