So we hit up Headhunters, have some beers and birthday shots and everything is great. Everyone is having a grand ole time. Mr. Gorilla, whose ass crack was hanging out because he thought it to be 'sexy' (excuse me, please, while I swallow down the bile that has defied gravity and made it's way up my esophagus due to that unpleasant memory) is the cause of the detour on our road of contentment. I thought maybe it was for easy access to fling poo. Gorillas fling poo right? He is about 6'3 and weights - well he's an over muscled Mofo. He grabs the lovely Lady T's (Birthday Girl's) hand bag or box rather. This hand box has Superman on it, which caught Mr. Gorilla's eye. He begins dancing around with it making a big scene behind the bar. Guess someone was in need of some attention. He was positioning the hand box directly under the only beam of light behind the bar while pointing at himself then at Superman. After this little song and dance number I figure he owes Lady T a shot on the house. He did violate her box -giggle- and making us watch his gorilla-ness in action would most definitely be more tolerable to witness with a beverage in hand. I do believe he did his gorilla mating call as well. Lady T had the same idea, that is about the free shot, not giving out a mating call, only she was much more civil about it. We were both trying to get Mr. Gorilla's attention-I at one end of the bar, she around the corner. She won. She stated that she should get a free shot and I seconded it. He laughed and moved on to the next customer, abruptly ending the conversation, so ungentlemanly like. She spoke some more at him, as did I. Then, when nothing else was working, I shouted at him' She thinks you're Gay!' That did it all right, his attention was ours- bring on the drinks, or so I thought. He stopped dead in his tracks, nearly dropping the bottle in his hand, and kept looking from Lady T to me. He turned to me and said ' You REALLY think I'M Gay?' To which I replied ' Well, she thinks it', and Lady T interjects 'SHE said it'! Well there goes our drinks. Dang. He's not worthy of being Gay. He then over dramatizes that Lady T and I are from this moment on cut off. He is using hand gestures that consist of him pointing (Mr. Gorilla likes to point, so rude) at both Lady T and I followed by him taking his fingers across his neck in a slicing motion. Such an unjust verdict! Lady T became upset (as is her God given right- HA!) that he cut us off as it is blatantly obvious that she and I are well away from being inebriated enough to be condemned to such a horrid sentence as this. I yelled from across the bar ' I'll handle this'. Side Note: When alcohol is involved never, and I repeat, NEVER let me handle it. That is unless you're prepared for some pain, a good laugh, and a story for years to come. Where was I? Oh, I'll handle this. OK, so I get down off my bar stool and head to where Mr. Gorilla is pouring drinks. I tell him it's Lady T's Birthday and that she needs a shot to compensate for his molesting her box. -giggle again- He starts again with the ' you've been cut off ' gestures. I said ' You didn't let me finish, she is also in need of a Birthday spanking.' This got his attention, and this is when we landed in 'Oh Shitsville'. I made it clear that if his hand touches Lady T's beautiful bum, he had to give up the alcohol. He agreed and then hurriedly began taking care of the two other patrons waiting at the bar so that he may start smacking cute buttocks. I went over to fill Lady T in on the plan. She agreed to it. Mr. Gorilla comes over and once again makes a big scene about what he's doing so everyone is looking at him. Someone didn't get enough love as a baby gorilla. He lifts Lady T's skirt takes aim and renders a blow so hard it thunders throughout the noisy bar, turning a couple of heads our way. Lady T winces a little, OK, she is hurting, and her mouth has began to descend toward the bar floor. Lucky for her I caught it with the bar stool where it will remain for the duration of the Birthday beating. Mr. Gorilla didn't even warm up her bum first. No manners indeed. He then proceeded to beat the hell out of Lady T's posterior. She took nine blows before someone said something. I don't remember whom. I know she was done and collected her mouth from upon the stool to state she could take no more. Mr. Gorilla had plans of giving her the amount of blows that matched her age. No one could make it past ten. Trust me. So he goes back behind the bar and begins serving drinks again, I stomp over and say ' You owe her BIG time!' He complies, but not without defensively stating 'you guys wanted me to do it'. I respond with 'Yeah- ONE smack, that was the deal, NOT the beating you gave.' I can't stand ego driven people. He was this huge gorilla taking out his frustrations with no mercy on Lady T's bare bum. He did give her a glass half full of Jameson. She deserved more, she couldn't sit down, plus she had to deal with Mr. Gorilla trying to convince her she wanted him. Oh, sorry more bile. Lady T and I ventured up to the balcony to divulge what had just transpired to our friends that had moved up there. I felt responsible for what took place so I elected myself to be Mr. Gorilla's next arse victim, all in honor of Lady T's bloodied bum. No one tried to talk me out of it, Lady T was all about my impending beating. Not my brightest idea, but I'm a good, no GREAT friend. Don't dish out what you can't take I always say. I venture back downstairs to take my punishment like a champ, or chimp compared to Mr. Gorilla. I find Mr. Gorilla is busy up on stage grunting and screaming into a microphone. Great, now he's going to be all riled up with his gorilla-ness all hanging out, and I'm going to be his next victim. It was really sinking in what a BAD idea this was. I'm standing there watching him thinking, 'Great I'm about to get my ass beat by an aggro roided out gorilla. What the fuck am I doing?'. He finishes his Ode to Cookie Monster, jumps off stage and goes back behind the bar. I approach him by stating he sucks, and that I need ten blows since it was me that got Lady T's bum beat. Oh, he heartily agreed to beat me arse. I walk over to where my friends are standing with Mr. Gorilla on my heels. I take a couple of deep breaths (yeah like that was going to help out my my poor lil tush), and assumed the position. The beating was divided into five on the right and five on the left. I braced myself for the first blow as the crowd stroked Mr. Gorilla's ego and pumped him up even more. You really can't prepare for something this brutal. The first blow took my breath away. There is no warm up, no start soft and get harder, it's just beat the hell out that ass. I don't know how I made it through the first five, nor how I can keep going on the next cheek. Masochistic much? Me thinks so. I think I have permanent dents, and bone damage. When he finishes with the right cheek I take a moment of silence for the death of my booty, and to prepare before he unleashes on my left cheek. I once again brace myself and he delivers the first blow to my left cheek. I wince in sever pain because he is hitting me even harder then on the right side. I think this is due to my caboose covered by jeans. He delivers the second blow to the left cheek and I am wondering again, why the fuck I agreed to this. Damn being a good friend. He decides that I'm not positioned correctly and angles me toward him telling me to stick out my ass. He pops me on my thigh, penetrating all the way to my bone. I jump at the pain. He again angles me toward him and again pops my thigh. This time I ball my fist and raise it as I twist toward him. This doesn't phase him. He again pops me on the thigh hitting bone. He didn't hit anywhere near my bum for the last three blows. Ass. Hole. He rubs his hands together beaming with pride and resumes his place behind the bar. I wobble over and ask for my drink. He asks if I still think he's Gay. I smile but say nothing. NO, I now know you're a mean sonofabitch that likes to beat on those smaller, but smarter than you, and that you need to be taken DOWN by a diabolical mastermind! I ducked thinking poo was in the air. He had his hand back there. I realize I only thought that, didn't say it aloud, that he was reaching for his bottle opener, (IN HIS ASS, remind me not to order anything from a bottle there), and that my imagination once again was making my crazy show. He's a total closet case, but I hope he never unleashes himself into the Gay community. They deserve better, we all do. I straighten up not trying to play off my crazy and I tell him he owes me a drink and he replies with ' Tell me you want to fuck me'. Ewwww. I'm not a monkey, but I wish I had a burning sack of animal feces to throw at his head. I look at him with my 'Are you fucking kidding me?' face. He sees my face and exclaims ' Lie to me '. I'm not much of a lier, so I say to him ' I want to fuck you..... in the arse, just like you like it '. He either didn't hear me, or chose to ignore the last part. He gave me a glass half full of Jameson, guess that's what he gives to those whom have felt his wrath. I took my earnings and went back to my friends. I drank most of it, then passed the rest off. Mr. Gorilla keeps chatting with Lady T, asking if she still thinks he's Gay, damn man, who are you trying to convince- we strangers or yourself? As the rest of us discussed what happened and how he was out of line with how hard he beat us, I got a wee bit riled up again. I decide Lady T and I should have a go at Mr. Gorilla's badonkadonk. Knowing that Lady T and I can't do half the damage he had done to us she looks a little forlorn, I reassure her, he will hit the concrete, I promise. I go back over to Mr. Gorilla and ask if he will allow us a chance to have a go at his fanny. He agrees. I decide it's only fair to warn him so I tell him ' Oh yeah, also, I'm going to take you to the concrete, and I fight dirty'. He tells me no punching in the balls. I inform him that I didn't need to; I won't go near his balls, or his eyes or anything of that nature. We get Mr. Gorilla outside the bar and against the wall. We both get a combined total of about five hits before he punks out when he sees the belt Lady T's hubby passes to her to beat his exposed arse. Mr. Gorilla was done playing whipping boy and turns his attention to one of our friends that said a belt is perfectly fair, and would even up the score. Right at that moment I grab Mr. Gorilla from behind in a choke hold and he hits the concrete, as did I. He catches my right ankle under him as he goes down. I keep him there for a moment or two before he really freaks out. He gets his bearings and proceeds to toss me around like a rag doll, causing my leg support to rid up and rub the skin off my leg, not a brace, but the hose like kind with rubber grips for circulation. I have to wear it every now and then cause I had surgery. Point is it was painful. Back to the story. He was pissed off that he got taken down, and by a female- that's a real blow to his ego, for he is a 6'3 250 lbs of muscled gorilla, and I a mere 5'6 135 lbs of pure GIRL. I gave him fair warning. Why people don't believe what I say, I'll never understand. I speak truthfully. There is hysterical laughter all around and shouts of joy that I stuck true to my word. I am happy that Lady T's birthday turned out to a good one with a great story to tell for some time. Well now it's two days later and I can barely move. We (Lady T and company) went swimming yesterday, I thought that would help with my stiffness, but alas I forgot that my body feels it TWO days later. I don't know why that is, just how my body has always been. Oh, also thirty minutes before we left the swimming hole Mr. Gorilla showed up.What are the chances?! Of all the places to swim in Austin!! He has a tiny toy breed of dog too- go ahead and laugh it's funny, damn funny. He had to come over and retrieve his tiny pooch because the damn thing wouldn't leave Lady T and Sir's dog alone, who is ten times the size of tiny pooch. Since they kept the beautiful Gezabelle from having the menacing Winston (Mr. Gorilla's tiny pooch) as a snack, Lady T needed some sort of retribution. As he reaches for Winston with my eyes trying to shoot laser beams, for he is mere inches from me, Lady T informs him that he was our bartender the night before. She then turned around and showed him the damage he caused her lovely derriere. He becomes very uncomfortable, and says 'yeah good times, I have bruises too'. HOORAY FOR CONCRETE AND MY DRUNKEN TAKE DOWN SKILLZ. He walked off and I overheard him talking to a girl about us. I wonder if he remembered to tell her about me taking him to the concrete? Probably not, that's OK; we know it happened, though I'm paying for in now with sore muscles and a bruised thigh bone, along with a butt that's a little deflated and concave. Oh well, it was worth it. I send out a challenge to all ye egotistical, homophobic, over grown gorillas of the world. Before you accept, remember that I fight dirty. -wink- Amen.
ALI
Currently listening to: The White Stripes - Effect & Cause
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